Love Through Division

 

 

We all have our arguments...

I’m going to do what most wouldn’t.

My husband and I are fighting again – and it’s the same issue as the last dozen fights. I’m mad, angry, heart-broken, and well on my way to being depressed. There – I said it. I’m even going to go further and I say I am not in-love with my husband right now. We are at currently at opposite ends of the spectrum, our best communication skills are currently insufficient and I pray daily we find each other again.

I’m not writing this to complain, vent or even find sympathy. I’m writing this because this is sometimes a very real part of marriage. And this is what my blog is intended to explore – both the challenges and the rewards of the biggest commitment in our lives. 

This is against one of my core rules to reveal that we are struggling right now. I inwardly cringe when someone compliments my marriage as a perfect example of strength and stability. Not that it isn’t strong and stable most of the time, but most just don’t see the struggles we plunder through on a regular basis…

Some couples are very open with friends and families about their marital status. While I prefer to keep these struggles private, I’m hoping to view this objectively and admit to everyone that yes, I too have marital problems.

Now hold your breath…

This is LOVE. 

My love for my husband will always prevail over every blocked path we encounter. It is through this love I can continue being his wife when I don’t feel like being around him, I can endure long arguments and sleepness nights when I have to go to work in the early morning, I can genuinely accept support from friends and family when I hate doing so in the first place, and I can know that in the end we will be okay even when I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We made our vows, and we will live them.

This in no way purports our marriage as failing, or even suggests an “irreconcilable difference” between us. EVERY married couple will fight/argue/disagree over something very significant and even revisit this same issue throughout their relationship – after all, we have a whole lifetime to discover and tackle our differences.

But I will always have hope. I know who my husband really is, I know how much my husband really loves me, and I know that together we are better than if we lived our lives individually – this is why we chose each other.

I would like to share one of my favourite quotes from Alfred Adler:

We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a “getaway.” We cannot love and be limited.

We as humans tend to find our opposites for companions. More often than not, these differences balance us – while sometimes they divide us. We are currently in a state of division and as such, we will be seeking professional council. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t know this yet. ;) But in the end… I’m sure he’ll agree.

the Mrs.

Day 1 & 2 – Battle of the S-*-x-s

Battle of the Sexes

How very fitting that my husband and I start fighting when I start writing about our “beautiful” marriage. This tends to be the case, arguments never choose the most convenient time to pop up. Has anyone ever noticed that disagreements only occur when you’re on your way out the door to a friends house, a friends wedding, your anniversary dinner, or even on date night?  

We won’t go into the details, as privacy is truly our biggest motto – but to put it simply – we have disagreed again. Perfectly normal, but perfectly annoying in my opinion. You see – we tend to argue about the same damn things… And while I don’t mind the disagreements, the elevated tensions, or even the cold shoulders – its the continued unresolved conflict that itches my nerves. Why do we always have to come full-circle back to this issue I could have sworn we found a solution 3 months ago?  

Which brings me to my first topic of discussion – how long are disagreements/arguments really supposed to last? Let’s first of all differentiate between a disagreement and an argument. In my opinion, disagreements are abound in most relationships – after all we are two very different people, raised in two unique environments, developing individual opinions and beliefs. Thus to say that you never disagree would be quite the profound statement. Whereas, arguing is the process of hashing out these disagreements – finding that common ground where eventually both persons can equalize their values and settle these differences.  

So what are the different styles of arguing- are there set rules to how one should do so? Now I’ve always heard that there are etiquettes put in place – you know the fairly common knowledge ones – such as no calling names, no physical/verbal abuse, and of course being as sober as possible when approaching the problem. These of course are ideal settings – but when are arguments every really ideal anyways?  

In our first year, my husband and I had TOO MANY intense arguments – most definitely attributed to the fact that we did not live together before we were married. There were just so many things to adjust to that were never exposed before cohabitating… Mind you, through all these arguments we were at least able to determine our communication patterns, common grounds in values, buttons not to push, and triggers to avoid. But mostly out of these, we learned to take our time…  

So many times, we’ve heard the proverb – never go to sleep angry. Now I understand the concept behind this but we have truly never been able to adhere to such a practise. Our arguments tend to be very deep rooted – as we are able to shake off the small stuff to shift our focus on what’s truly “argument worthy“. So to think that we could come to a mutal conclusion in only one evening truly baffles my mind.  

From our experience, I’ve learned that our arguments tend to last for days, sometimes weeks – I don’t think we’ve ever reached close to a month. We’ve definitely revisited disagreements as new prevalent factors arise – just as we are right now. Now, let me clarify what I mean by arguing for days and revisiting the same problems. Yesterday (Day 1), it began with the age old – “What’s wrong?” followed up with “I’d rather not, we’ll just end up arguing over it…” And of course, no one would settle with such as statement as we’d rather get the bug out of it’s den. As the subject du jour was a repeat visit, emotions ran wild and defenses went up. I understand as this is not a new topic – it’s obviously touchy as it is a common problem in our daily marriage. Unfortunately, our solutions have to be revamped, evolving with new techniques and understanding AGAIN.  

Now that we are on Day 2, we haven’t said a word. I guess you could say we are ignoring one another – doing the “cold shoulder” stance. But this position actually serves a greater purpose. Now that we’ve been able to retrospect our techniques when battling our differences, we are able to slow down. This is quite the benefit to finding a proper solution. You see if we continue today our emotions are still raw, we don’t like each other right now. Why bother arguing when all we’re thinking is how much we hate that the other person just doesn’t understand? Leave it be – at least, let it rest.  

So, we take a day apart normally to run everything that has been screamed  said to each other in Day 1. Now (Day 2) we try to identify what we are trying to get out of this problem – what needs to change? My rule – say it in 3 statements or less. That being because, normally by the third statement, the other person interjects with their own opinion. So we’ll narrow our requests (as there is always a need to be fulfilled) right down – eliminate all opinions.  And this request normally must be fulfilled otherwise the problem will only bury itself until it decides to pop its ugly head up again. This need should of course involve your partner and a feasible solution. I find with my husband, I leave the solutions fairly vague so that he can fill in the blanks with his own personallized approach. Men tend to appreciate being the decision-maker, the solution-finder and enjoy knowing they can fix your problem. We as women must clearly identify and present this problem to them. The hardest part is agreeing to the problem haha. This is the apex we must climb over – and must remember that it does not include pointing the finger.  

How then can we identify, present and negotiate the roots of a problem without saying “it’s your fault“? Easy – admit the problem only exists because there are two of you. Thus, if there is a problem – that normally means that both of you have contributed (or should I say haven’t) in one way or another to fester this problem. Both of you can identify the need that is not being met by both of us, and now you can present this in a few clear statements to one another – and here is when you truly need to listen. And by listening, I mean REALLY listening – letting the other person finish their statements, repeating back what you interpret they are saying (paraphrase) to confirm you understand their request correctly (as sometimes the telling is where communication failed) and stopping to think about it. As a women, the last part is the hardest for me. I’m very quick witted and can come up with a retort faster than my husband can think. This I have learned is unfair – my husand is a theorist, a deep-thinking creature who needs to swallow a thought, digest it and slowly come up with an answer. So in turn I must be patient for his response to give him adequate time to formulate his thoughts correctly.  

So to recap – identify the need, present clear and direct statements, listen, digest and then formulate your solution. Remember, you and your partner chose to become each others confidante, helper and most of all team mate – thus you are obligated to help in the process of a problem due to your very own existences together. If you don’t find solutions to your problems (as there should be atleast 2), rinse and repeat. Take your time – try to do this over a week if you have to. Hopefully not too much of your lives will be shifted in the process…  

Day 2 – I’m still trying to come up with a new statement ironically. It’s getting harder to revamp a clear statement when I only came up with a similar one 3 months ago. And I’m not creative – I would prefer to just record it and play it over his ear while he’s sleeping to be honest. Very tired of this but I love him enough to keep trying. It’s been over 24 hours since we last spoke, but the space and isolation reminds me of our choice to live together forever. Wish me luck – hopefully in Day 3 we will make progress. Until then – give me your thoughts… what are your techniques to reoccuring arguments?  

the Mrs.