Love Through Division

 

 

We all have our arguments...

I’m going to do what most wouldn’t.

My husband and I are fighting again – and it’s the same issue as the last dozen fights. I’m mad, angry, heart-broken, and well on my way to being depressed. There – I said it. I’m even going to go further and I say I am not in-love with my husband right now. We are at currently at opposite ends of the spectrum, our best communication skills are currently insufficient and I pray daily we find each other again.

I’m not writing this to complain, vent or even find sympathy. I’m writing this because this is sometimes a very real part of marriage. And this is what my blog is intended to explore – both the challenges and the rewards of the biggest commitment in our lives. 

This is against one of my core rules to reveal that we are struggling right now. I inwardly cringe when someone compliments my marriage as a perfect example of strength and stability. Not that it isn’t strong and stable most of the time, but most just don’t see the struggles we plunder through on a regular basis…

Some couples are very open with friends and families about their marital status. While I prefer to keep these struggles private, I’m hoping to view this objectively and admit to everyone that yes, I too have marital problems.

Now hold your breath…

This is LOVE. 

My love for my husband will always prevail over every blocked path we encounter. It is through this love I can continue being his wife when I don’t feel like being around him, I can endure long arguments and sleepness nights when I have to go to work in the early morning, I can genuinely accept support from friends and family when I hate doing so in the first place, and I can know that in the end we will be okay even when I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We made our vows, and we will live them.

This in no way purports our marriage as failing, or even suggests an “irreconcilable difference” between us. EVERY married couple will fight/argue/disagree over something very significant and even revisit this same issue throughout their relationship – after all, we have a whole lifetime to discover and tackle our differences.

But I will always have hope. I know who my husband really is, I know how much my husband really loves me, and I know that together we are better than if we lived our lives individually – this is why we chose each other.

I would like to share one of my favourite quotes from Alfred Adler:

We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a “getaway.” We cannot love and be limited.

We as humans tend to find our opposites for companions. More often than not, these differences balance us – while sometimes they divide us. We are currently in a state of division and as such, we will be seeking professional council. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t know this yet. ;) But in the end… I’m sure he’ll agree.

the Mrs.

Changelings…

My younger sister just successfully had her third child – and she’s only 23.

It’s at these momentous events that I am forced to reflect on the decisions I have made (in conjunction with my husband) to not have children up to this point. Not that we will never have any… just not yet.  

I have another older sister – pregnant with her second child. My older brother (closest to my resemblance) is still on fast-track with his career without children – like me.  I love my nephews and nieces – truly – but these changelings are the very source of my indecision.  

My sister brought home the new babe just two days ago – and subsequently the older baby (now 3 yrs old) is leaving to stay at Gramma’s for the next month. While we will all miss him – more-so we are overjoyed to stop chasing this menace around the house every minute of the day. I’ve never known a child to make silence so eerie and ominous. Oh, if they could only stay so small, meek and angelic…  

Loud & Obnoxious

But they don’t. The very teachings we instill in children come back to haunt us eventually. It begins with the “No, don’t touch that, be nice, this is Auntie’s…” to hearing the child repeat verbatim when you ask them for something, “NO, MINE, DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF, ALL MINE!” The independence we encourage slaps us in the face when they make contrary decisions to ours – the control we wield slowly slips out of our fingers as they grow up into their own individual persons…  

My husband and I love children – truly (Wait didn’t I say that already?). But why don’t we love them enough to actually have any? Chuck Norris fits the bill quite nicely right now – he purrs when pet, cuddles on demand, requires little maintenance, eats whatever I feed him, plays quietly beside me while I work and never touches my stuff. Whereas, the nephews/nieces get into everything, need 24 hour watch, only want to cuddle when they are sick and full of germs, refuse to entertain themselves and put up a huge fake fight when it’s time for bed and nightly kisses.  My only defense against these changelings are my wits and intellect. My customized punishments involve mental anguish and unanticipated logical puzzles that they fail to understand so they tip their heads to the side and say “huh?”. I win and they lose only by their short attention span and lack of depth. Their confusion my slip in the door, and finally their submission my success…  

Quiet & Sweet

And then my thoughts drift back to the newborns … quietly bundled and sleeping majority of the day, only waking to feed and peek out from their blankets when curious. I want one, but can I lease it and exchange for another angel in 12 months? Or maybe I just need to live alone with my husband for a while to forget these beautiful children and possibly hope to have one of our own.

I was a changeling once – and my parents still had another… Maybe we as adults are the ones with short attention spans and unable to entertain ourselves except to continue breeding half & half versions of ourselves? Or just maybe, if I wasn’t able to have any my opinion would change? Who knows – until then… Chuck Norris – what would I do without you?     

the Mrs.